


No Ink Could Write A New Story

by Dean_Mayfield



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anti-Larry and Zoe (Not Sorry), Depression, First Fanfiction, Fluff, Gay, M/M, Social Anxiety, Weekly Updates, Will Give Warnings, probably smut later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2017-12-05
Packaged: 2019-02-10 15:25:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12914745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dean_Mayfield/pseuds/Dean_Mayfield
Summary: What would happen if Evan never got to print his letter? So, Connor never read it. What was Connor's real first impression of Evan? What would happen as a result of this butterfly effect?





	1. First Day.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fan fiction on here! I'll try to update weekly. I am thinking Fridays but I am not sure yet. I've been listening to Dear Evan Hansen nonstop and really thought writing this might be nice!  
> \- Dean
> 
> Warning: Social Anxiety

Evan took a deep breath, looking out the car window. Jared was giving him a ride to school since it was the first day of school. Jared had almost left Evan to walk, spamming him with text messages and claiming Evan was taking too long. On many occasions last year, he actually left Evan. Not letting on how much this hurt him, Evan hurried to make sure he got a ride. A feeling in Evan’s gut warned him that today wasn’t going to end well, but he wrote it off as an effect of his anxiety.  
Social anxiety. It was responsible for a lot of Evan’s troubles since he was five. It was the reason Jared was his only friend. Well, correction, family friend. It was the reason his mom had to work so much to just support them. It was the reason Evan was even unable to order a pizza on his own. It was the reason Evan mentally tore himself apart. The reason he had a cast on his arm.

After Jared denied signing Evan cast with a snarky comment, he stopped the car in front of the side doors to their high school. With his eyes glued to the ground, Evan got out of Jared’s car. Insisting they entered the building separately, Jared went to park his car and left the anxious teen on his own. Fixing his book bag straps, Evan slowly walked in the school building with shaky hands.He felt nauseous at the sound of his peers surrounding him. He felt almost engulfed by the sound of greetings and reunited friends. His thought immediately drifted to a dark place.  
They all are staring at you.  
You’re so obnoxious, Evan.  
Look at you, a sweaty and shaky mess.  
The boy with the empty and unsigned cast.

Bumping into someone, Evan yelped and fell back onto the ground. He groaned gently from the pain shooting up his arm, before realization hit him with a swifter pain and he was left a stuttering mess. The dirty blonde looked up to find Connor Murphy. The brother of his long-term crush since seventh grade. Connor Murphy who ate little nerds like Evan for breakfast. But Connor didn’t look mad, no, he looked furious. His red eyes only adding to the sinister look.

“Watch where you are going, asshole!” He, what only could be described as growled, out.  
Evan stuttered faster, trying to get onto his feet as quickly as possible. He couldn’t help but pick up quickly on the small details that his eyes flashed towards. Like Connor’s clipped black nails. Connor’s pinned leather jacket and his brown side bag.  
“I-I just um, I-I-” Before Evan could say anything else, Connor pushed him right back onto the ground, “That’s where you really belong, isn’t it?” He toxically spit out, “You knock me over thinking I was a freak, didn’t you! Well, you don’t know me!” With his long brown hair spilling into his face, Connor stormed off. Evan’s brain and heart were racing too fast for him to completely have enough time for him to analyze and understand what had happened.

 

Quickly, Evan scrambled back up as students began filling the hallways. He didn’t realize how flushed his face was this whole time till he saw his reflection in a window on his way to his first period class. He knew he was practically dripping sweat by now but hoped it didn’t show as badly as he imagined. Zoe was in this class with him. He would watch her scribble stars on the cuffs of her jeans as the teacher gave the same rule speech every teacher does on the first day of the year. Typically english teacher.

With his foot tapping, Evan tried not to stare at Zoe, but couldn’t help it. She was beautiful to him, and so kind. He figured she was kind, at least, they’d never really talked. The period seemed to go a lot faster when he was focused on Zoe and not his anxious thoughts. As the bell rang, Evan went to grab his books and then rushed out of the room. It was his free period, so Evan wanted to print his letter for his therapist.

Sitting down shakily, Evan saw no one else in the room. Perfect. He pulled up his letter on his google docs, trying to hit print. But the printer kept saying out of ink, just his luck. Slowly standing up, Evan saw Connor Murphy walk into the room. His whole body went into panic zone, almost shutting down.

“Hey, um… I just wanted to say sorry…” Connor mumbled gently, to Evan’s surprise then adding, “Nobody signed your cast…”  
Evan’s face flushed more as he nodded, “I-I um, don’t h-have many… friends…”  
“How’d you break your arm…?”  
“I.. I fell out of a tree….”  
“Well, if that isn’t the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard…” Connor let out a gently yet seemingly forced laugh. Evan awkwardly chuckled as well, nodding. Connor pulled out a sharpie, signing the empty cast with his name in big messy block letters and what seemed to be a phone number underneath. Looking down, Evan stuttered and let Connor do as he pleased.  
“Look now we can both pretend we have friends…”  
Connor winked at Evan gently, causing Evan to look down.  
“I’ll see you around, Hansen… Shoot me a text…”

Evan was left voiceless in the middle of the room. Connor Murphy knew his name. Connor Murphy just gave him his phone number.


	2. Night, Hansen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heya guys, I was sick today so my gay ass decided I’d write another chapter. Sorry these really aren’t long, I am writing just for the background right now! They will get much longer.   
> -Dean
> 
> TW: Self-Harm, Anxiety, Depression, Homophobic Church + Language

Connor drove home solemnly, contemplating. The car was silent, which was a rare thing, most times Connor blasted his music at the top volume. He had a long day of ups and downs from his high. Evan Hansen was the only thing on his mind all day. He had, what he could only call an obsession, over that kid for a few months now, ever since he saw him working at the reopened Orchard. Everyday Connor would go to just get a glimpse of Evan, even for just a moment.   
When this started, Connor convinced himself it was he wanted to be in the Orchard more. It wasn’t a complete lie. That was one of his favorite thinking spots. A little peak over at the short blonde worker couldn’t cute.   
Connor noticed the fidgeting and mannerisms of the short boy, taking them in. How Evan was vegan. How Evan only went out and to look around during sunny hours, must having a fear if the dark. How Evan kept his distance when not included. He found Evan cute.   
A little past halfway through the summer, Evan had disappeared from the park. Connor started getting high more frequently, an underlying worry for Evan distracting him from daily life. But Connor knew he had to suppress whatever he felt. He didn’t tell anyone about whatever he had been doing with the blonde. Boys weren’t supposed to like other boys. He hadn’t even really talked to Evan. Just observed from a distance. Which totally wasn’t creepy.   
Connor told himself constantly he couldn’t have been gay. Every Sunday, he knew that Larry, his mom and Zoe would go to church and hear hate pour shamelessly through the mass. Being a homosexual was wrong, in his family’s eyes at least and the churches. That was one of the reasons Connor stopped going, so he stopped thinking about it.   
When Connor used to go to church, his head would spin and split over all the bigoted thoughts spread. He felt a weird nauseous and uneasiness when his Bishop bashed on homosexuals. Larry nodded in agreement, as Connor saw his mother and sister just stay silently. Some nights, when Connor was younger he would cry over this happening at the church. He didn’t see how kissing a boy or holding his hand would be wrong but kissing a girl was okay. As the years passed, he learned to just suppress it. Conceal it. Not thinking about it. But Evan got his head whirling

As soon as Connor got home, he heard the screams from out in the parking lot. Larry, his father, was going at his mom again for ‘babying him’.   
His mom, Cynthia, didn’t deserve a son like him, that was a frequent feeling from Connor. Cynthia tried, at least, Connor appreciated that sometimes. But at dinner time, when Larry and Zoe lashed out at him with harsh words, she wouldn’t say anything. And that’s when he needed her most. She would awkwardly sit and stir in her seat, eyes glued to whatever low fat or low calories meal she had prepared. 

“You can’t keep letting him off the hook he needs to take responsibility for his actions!”

“Larry, he’s only a kid and con-“

“I am not raising a fucking pansy! I don’t care!” 

Quickly, he locked himself in his room that stank of weed and was a mess. But this was the only place Connor felt remotely comfortable. He laid back on his bed with a groan, turning on some alternative music to get him out of his head. He really wanted a hit. As soon as Connor thought he was numbing, and was not thinking about Evan, or his parents, or how fucked up he was, he heard his phone go off. 

[Unknown Number]: hey! it’s evan, i didn't know when it would be okay to text you, i hope now isn't a bad time m

Evan shook softly, having sent the text that he read over, at very least 100 times. He sat on his bed, rocking and waiting to see if Connor would read his message. Connor smirked at the text message, sighing gently. See, this kid was just too cute. 

Connor Murphy: hello, it was a greattt time i was just rubbing my nipples and moaning your name ;;)

Connor Murphy: lol jk, i am just laying on my bed at the moment 

Evan blushed deep red at the text message, curling up on his own bed more. He shook away the thought with a soft giggle. 

Evan Hansen: lol

Evan Hansen: me too, actually. my mom is at work currently 

Evan Hansen: i meant the me too to laying in my bed! 

Connor started rolling himself a blunt, as he texted Evan. Multitasking, his mother should be sooo proud. He had a tiny smile over the awkwardness of the other boy.

Connor Murphy: and your dad?

Evan Hansen: [typing] 

Evan Hansen: [typing]

Evan Hansen: 

Then Connor frowned at screen, as he lit his blunt. This must be a touchy subject. Taking a hit, He sighed in relief. A few minutes later he got a message.

Evan Hansen: he isnt around anymore

Evan Hansen: but that’s fine, anyway

He laid back more on his bed. Connor hummed softly, taking another hit as his eyes began to grow red.

Connor Murphy: sorry to hear. what kinda  
music do you like?

Evan Hansen: jazz, mostly, actually

Connor Murphy: that’s pretty chill i actually used to be in jazz band with my sister

Evan Hansen: really?? 

The night went on like this, both of them telling each other random things about each other and just having a laugh. They found out both of them love musicals. Evan wanted to get his nails done but was too shy. Connor had always wanted to be a cheerleader. 

Evan fell asleep with his phone in his hand, smiling softly. Heidi came in later that night to check on him, and sighed with relief to see him soundly asleep. She knew this didn’t happen often anymore. Slowly she took his phone out of his hands, setting it on the side dresser. It lit up with the name ‘Connor’ but she didn’t say anything, only smiled more. Heidi tucked her son in slowly, then kissing his forehead, “No matter what… I’ll be here…” She whispered gently, turning out the light. 

Connor Murphy: night, hansen 

Connor looked at his last text, contemplating. He sighed softly, rolling up his sleeves as he set down his phone.   
He was unwanted.  
Not loved.  
Only a freak and nothing more.  
A fucking pansy.  
Evan pitted him.  
Evan knew he was just a fuck up.   
Evan isn’t his friend.   
Carving into his skin with the razor, it always stings at first, but then a wave of relief floods him as he can’t feel. Not being able to feel the pain, Connor could only focus on the red dripping onto the flood. He knew it was bad for him. But he deserved it. He was Connor Murphy after all, the emo faggot freak, as most people called him. He didn’t have friends. His family was falling apart because of him. Why didn’t he deserve this?   
After a few deep cuts, he heard his phone go off. Looking over with curiosity, Connor let out a shaky breathe.

Evan Hansen: night, can’t wait to see you tomorrow 

With that, Connor was frozen. He thought for a moment, before decided what to do. Cutting himself deeply a few more times, he then stopped. He stopped. Something he never really did. Throwing on his black hoodie then laying back onto his bed, He didn’t even realize he was crying. And laughing.   
After his body had became so exhausted, Connor closed his eyes, and drifted off into an uncalm sleep. Tomorrow would certainly be interesting.


End file.
